Empowerment Through Thought

I was on a reddit forum recently (this one specifically) and I ended up writing this line

“[Sometimes]…those of us who fear abandonment the most have to be abandonded”

That line has stayed with me for a few days now.

I am the person who fears abandonment. My whole life, basically since my mother rejected me, I’ve been terrified that everyone who was ever close to me would leave.

And then they did.

My ex-husband was the last one to go. It took years of boundary setting, making intentional choices, and learning to reject people who were unsafe, but in the end I am completely alone.

And that should be the end of it. The world was meant to end the moment I was fully abandonded. Life was meant to be impossible when everyone who ever claimed to love you is gone.

But here I am.

The world continues to spin. The sun still rises and the bills still need to be paid.

I wake up in the morning, do my work, tend to my pets, do my chores, and I do it all alone.

Maybe, for at least some of us, the medicine is to realize our worst fears. Maybe the point is to expereince their horrors and see that there is still a day after.

Can you imagine how strong you would be if you realized your absolute worst fears and you survived? And maybe even thrived?

What would you be afraid of after that? If the worst has already happened then everything else has to be easier. Right?

I sill hate it. I hate that everyone in my life is gone. I hate the loneliness.

And I love it. I love that I don’t have to take care of anyone for the first time arguably in my entire life. I love that I can do as I please, even tho my mental health means sometimes I have no idea what I please.

It’s terrible and wonderful. It makes me sick and it gives me life.

And maybe that’s the medicine.